My Teenager Has Been Pulling Away: Should I Be Concerned?

Adolescence, the transition from childhood to adulthood, begins with puberty and ends in the mid-20s. This time of enormous development, growth, and change isn’t always “smooth sailing” — for kids and parents alike.    

At The Center for Advanced Pediatrics, we know just how exciting — and challenging — the teen years can be. This is especially true for certain aspects of psychosocial development, including the all-important push for greater autonomy.

In this month’s blog, our team takes a closer look at the teenage rite of passage for greater independence — including what’s normal and what’s cause for concern when it feels like your teen is pulling away or turning to you less often.   

Adolescent psychosocial development

With the onset of puberty, physical development — especially hormonal changes and their effects — is a major part of life for young teens. Indeed, the psychosocial developmental focus of early adolescence (ages 12 to 14) revolves around physical changes, body image, and conformity to peers.

But by middle adolescence (ages 15 to 17), brain maturation and an increased capacity for self-regulation, abstract thinking, and complex decision-making cause a shift in psychosocial development that lays a foundation for:

• Increased independence and autonomy 
• Intense social and peer group involvement
• Identity experimentation and formation

This stage of adolescence can be stressful, and your teen’s emotions or mood may become more intense, leading to increased conflict at home. Your teenager still needs the structure of a supportive home environment — even as they may be starting to “pull away.” 

When adolescents strive for autonomy 

As a parent, normal adolescent development can feel as if your once-chatty, confiding child has grown into a teen who no longer wants your ear, input, or advice. But their turning away from you, and toward themselves and their peers, isn’t a personal rejection. 

This is an essential and healthy part of growing up; it’s the stage that allows your teen to develop a firm identity, form more stable relationships, and think in a future-oriented way. Making the transition from dependent child to independent young adult typically involves:

Seeking privacy 

Your teen may want more time alone, spend more time in their room, or talk with you less often as a way to set boundaries and build a private life.

Processing inwardly

Adolescents go through a cognitive developmental shift that makes them less inclined to “talk it out” and process their issues and emotions with you, and more likely to “become distant” as they quietly and inwardly work through their problems. 

Prioritizing friends

Creating some distance from the “family nest” is part of a healthy transition into greater independence. Individuating from one’s family — but not detaching from it — usually means prioritizing friends, shifting focus toward social groups and away from family activities.

Developing autonomy 

As they strive for autonomy, teens may test boundaries and actively seek to control their decisions, schedules, and lives.

Younger teens tend to push for greater autonomy over personal matters (e.g., hairstyle, clothes) and conventional matters (e.g., swearing). By comparison, older teens strive for increased autonomy across multiple domains of their lives.   

Studies show that adolescents who perceive low autonomy in personal decisions believe their peers have more independence than they do. Likewise, teens who feel they have enough autonomy at any age tend to be less influenced by peer input.

Support independence, stay connected 

As a parent, there’s a lot you can do to support a healthy balance between your teen’s growing independence and the need for connection you both still share. Instead of taking their distancing personally, try to:

Respect their space

Give your teen plenty of room, but make it clear you’re always available.

Keep communication open

Be available in small moments — like in the car, during dinner, or later in the evening — rather than forcing discussions when they’re uninterested or distracted.

Find new ways to connect

Try initiating low-pressure shared activities, like grabbing food or taking a walk together, without expecting a deep conversation.

Practice active listening

When your teen does feel like talking, listen without judgment, resist the urge to lecture, don’t pressure them for information, and refrain from trying to “fix” their problems.

When pulling away is cause for concern

If your teen is pulling away from you but otherwise functioning well in school and among friends, they’re likely in the midst of a normal psychosocial developmental stage. However, if their withdrawal from you seems more drastic, it may be cause for concern. 

Schedule a visit with their pediatrician or a therapist if you notice that your teen:

• Seems unhappy, low, or hostile
• Starts frequent arguments with you
• Mostly stays isolated in their room 
• Has withdrawn from their friends
• Quits activities they once enjoyed
• Has stopped trying academically
• Exhibits significant sleep changes
• Shows signs of substance abuse
• Talks of self-harm or low self-worth

These signs indicate a need for professional support, and our adolescent and teen medicine specialists are here to help. Schedule a visit at The Center for Advanced Pediatrics in Norwalk or Darien, Connecticut, today.